I've been getting a weekly Reiki session for the past month and I'm remembering with each session what it feels like to be energetically aligned. No parts of me feel fuzzy/confused/sad/anxious. Instead I feel safe/light/capable/connected. I understand on a deep level in my body, energy + soul that everything will be okay, that I'm doing well and everything is as it's supposed to be always.
Just like that. After 45 minutes on the table.
I don't know what I've been doing not getting a session every week. Oh wait, yes I do. I've been hiding from the work for 100 reasons. I don't know if you know this, but as a healer, I’m supposed to be in the best spiritual shape possible. I'm supposed to give myself Reiki everyday, receive sessions from other healers often, and be really in touch with all of my shit. Butttttttt, one of the reasons I was drawn to this work (outside of Divine messaging since childhood) is because that’s been a struggle my whole life. I've been on autopilot-being hella inconsistent in my relationship with myself.
If I WAS DATING MYSELF I WOULD BE OVER MY MIXED SIGNALS
AND I WAS
AND THAT'S HOW I GOT BACK INTO GETTING A REIKI SESSION EVERY WEEK.
When I say it's been a lifelong dream to just do the work of getting to the bottom of my blockages so I can analyze them, thank them, kiss them goodbye, and move forward a rewired human -I'm not joking. I bought a book when I was about 11-"how to raise a confident girl." I've been trying to get free a long while. I've always wanted to have room for the new, manifestations + goals I want to achieve. But, committing to all that work for the long-term instead of intermittently how I always did would, in reality, be super uncomfortable and extremely messy + scary.
WHY AREN'T YOU LIVING HOW YOU ACTUALLY WANT TO?
In addition to the weekly healing sessions, I asked myself this question -and dissected all the messaging that was put there by other people and totally false. Here's some of my programming, maybe you'll recognize some of it as your own:
What happens if I do change?!
I’ve already done so much work on myself, will it ever end?
What if I fail?
What if I'm judged?
What if I still don’t stack up to other people?
What if my programming is right and I'm not actually worthy of Manifesting all that I want?!
What if I'm not resilient?
After unearthing all of this fear-based thinking, I started seeing it in action. I went rollerskating for the first time in 25 years and was really excited to hit the floor but then this mess of thoughts
flooded my system.
What if I fall? (What if I fail/What if I'm not resilient)
I’m not as fast as everyone else? (What if I'm judged)
I’m such a baby! (I don't stack up to other people)
Why is everything so hard for me? (I've already done so much work on myself, will it ever end)
What if I get tired, what if it’s too hard? (I'm not resilient)
What if I get in people’s way? (I don't stack up to other people)
I was paralyzed by all of this. I sat on the side. I CRIED. It's not hard for me to cry, but this felt a little extra. But it makes sense because being afraid to skate was just a metaphor for the trapped-by-fear-feeling I had running throughout the rest of my life.
I regrouped. I kept the skates on and practiced on the rug. After some time, I entered the rink and hung in there-even though it totally hurt (skating uses a lot of muscles that I guess I don't usually use), and I still had al those fears, but I just still
did the thing.
And you know what?! I fell twice. And with each fall my partner, friends, and the rinkguards were worried about me, but I was ecstatic because I found out that
even after I fall- I get up.
I found out that I'm strong, I'm resilient, and
I can do anything if I'm loving + patient with myself.
Maybe you're like "damn-she got all this from Rollerskating?!" And no, I didn't.
I was able to identify my deep fears very clearly because of the work I'd been doing on myself.
A host of other practices and rituals I use to reconnect to the Divine in me are:
dancing, journaling, staying connected to others, resting, having trust that everything will be okay by reminding myself every single day, reading about + celebrating pagan holidays, going to the beach every week, putting myself out there, stopping judging myself, unfollowing people who make me feel like I'm not enough or are talking about things I'm not interested in
Would you rather live with pain that affects everything you do for the rest of your life- or would you rather be uncomfortable temporarily and shrink it down so tiny that it doesn’t affect your life anymore? (I asked myself)
Me? I’m ready to be uncomfortable, to get genuinely comfortable for good, instead of taking a few steps forward and a few steps back for the rest of my life. This is not to say that the work isn’t messy and confusing. But, regardless of that-doing the work is better for me than not. And honestly-
NONE OF THIS IS WHAT THE UNIVERSE WANTS FOR US.
Did you know you were born into this life to use your very specific gifts to help make the world a great place? That is the ultimate truth. It doesn't matter if your gift is being a great parent or being Deepak Chopra (this one is also already taken). All of our gifts were given to us for a reason higher than we can understand and if we are too clouded with fear to clear away excuses and confusion about who we are- we're not blessing the world with ourselves like we planned on doing before trauma, programming, and negativity came and changed us without our permission. So, the one job we have is to do the work of coming back home to ourselves and who we were before pain, before fear, before sorrow.
Then, and only then, we can share our gifts unabashedly + with vigor.
Thanks for reading!
With Love + Gratitude,